How the tables have turned. (imitating Swerve by Brenda Miller)

 I’m-- sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t love you how you wanted me to. 

They say you won’t ever realize what you have until you lose it. Gone and done out of your life like you never existed. And it hurts to see that tragedy come into play but maybe that’s– maybe that’s what we needed if it’s up to me to say. Our love sure could’ve been of roses and daisies. I always pictured it as peaceful as the sounds of doves singing me awake on a sunny summer day. Something sweet… like fresh caribbean sugarcane at the dawn of July is what it was supposed to display. But quite honestly, I could see we didn’t stand a chance.. Our love wouldn’t bear the slightest blow of the wind and when it howls that’s a guaranteed disaster. 

 I’m sorry for being too pessimistic but I’ve been here before. I know how it all ends and I refuse to be the one digging myself out of the hole this time. 

“What do you mean?”  You looked… startled. Like kids do after they break something they’ve been told not to touch. Like the shock of the unexpected when it hits you on a good day. Like I did when I realized nobody really cares about my story. It’s amusing. 

“Don’t worry. It’s made me strong-- it’ll only help you heal. Bring you to the right path. Teach you some fucking sympathy. Teach you how not to play with others like he did me.”

Dream--

 Dream the dreams that seems to be out of reach

On the stars where there’s peace 

Dreams are like a mist 

Just floating around

Suffocating but never too far

Never obscene

Not out of reach.

Hallucinate 

Let your body elevate 

With the dreams levitating in the mist 

And meditate

They say optimists exaggerate the positive

They’re completely oblivious to the explosive 

Forces — that’s the narrative

But nah it’s the intuitive ability 

To facilitate clarity

And read the energy 

Of those who lack the ability

To understand themselves 

Dark Rose

 If you love me don’t make me wait

‘Cause the high end to this abyss is the fate

That you show in me

Love how you handle the 

Ugly sides hidden deep in fear

Of beating the beauty within

The loneliness in search of a copin’ 

Crucial for the time being’

Exquisite fears gets the mind thumping 

In need of the adrenaline 

Wondering if it’s all pretend

But I cannot imagine 

The absence that sanity brings 

To a creative mind

That thirsts for mayhem

A hue painted over the gem

Of a prickled stem

That the dark rose 

Sprouted from

-segment 20 of 1 (I bet)-

 

I bet you thought they were gonna succeed 

Emotional pain disappeared but would creep up again the next hour and here you were craving the cool air that hit after every slit. Mmmmm the temporary satisfaction of blood running down your skin. The excitement you felt after stocking up on brand new blades.... I bet you thought them voices were gonna succeed.

I bet you believed every word...

When they told you you were worthless, a nobody. When they told you no one was ever going to love you. They said you were cretinous and a fuck up. You didn’t know any better so you believed every single utter that your family put on your back. (Pause)

I bet you blamed yourself for letting them steal your innocence at such a young age—-

I bet you doubted your strength every time you were maltreated by those who were supposed to be your friends. You never stood up for yourself. I bet- I bet you thought you were going to stay untenable and that that Hollow feeling would follow you infinitely. 

I bet you thought that you deserved to be treated the way these insecure little boys treated you.

I bet you believed those whisperers who called you a bitch.

—But look at you flourishing. 

Segment 20 of the one life you got so continue nourishing— your mind, your body, you soul 

Go ahead, show them who’s doing the controlling  (pause)

And when these thoughts creep up on you, when those words make you blue- baby.... take em as a cue of strength cause can’t NOBODY walk in your shoe.

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got don’t spend it looking for purpose cause you exist and that is enough to be grateful for

Don’t spend it trying to prove to people you aren’t who they picture you as my love-

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got...

Live a little

Laugh a little

Smile a little 

Appreciate the sad days so you can make something out of the happy ones.

Let that shit go.

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got. You’re in control now.

Where do you think you’re going?

 To the moon 

Where we’re viewed

As gentle as a caterpillar in its cocoon 

Somewhere real; somewhere pure

A place that doesn’t fuck around with our insecure - rities 

It don’t invalidate our vulnerabi-lity 

And inaugurate us into a swarm of negativity 

All cause our blood carries the history of inequity 

Our backs reads the story of our ancestry

Our ankles shackled in this system’s penitentiary

But they expect us to shut up and claim freedom

While we watch our kingdom 

Corrupted by white wisdom

Filled with nothing but mediocre visions

Illustrated with demolition 

And their mission to invalidate the conditions 

That we undergo-

I mean it’s sickening— 

How they try to paint over the imprisonment 

That follows us like a silhouette.

But on the moon

That’s a guaranteed reset.