Breath —Reset —Readjust

If I were to say everything on my mind

It would start with these unkind thoughts

That convince me how much of a fucking fuckup I’m destined to be

Fucked up how I don’t practice what I preach 

Fucked up when my dream turn into reality yet I’m convinced they’re outta reach

Why do I do this to myself

I love the vessel but hate that I’m not strong enough to treat it with respect, love, and caress

This pride makes me feel like everyone’s against me

And a hyper active intuition binds me to an ever ending palm tree

While it whispers “you can’t escape me, I will never set you free.”

But they’re telling me that I’m a prisoner to my dignity

And this lifestyles is paralyzing me

Breath —reset —readjust

Let go of all these thorn and trust

In the God

But she’s not listening to me

If I were to say everything on my mind

She’d be the first one that would agree

I am a fuck up who’s lost in this planet

Trying to put on a gusty front

She can see through the glass mirror that I’ve built in fear of my own reflection

And when you see the real me it projects into your hue

If I were to say everything on my mind

I’d tell you it ain’t true 

Cause when you think what you’re seeing is on the surface

Further reflections reveal the curses 

Western Tragedy

American flags fill the block with every glance

It’s like they’re not hearing us

But how much more can we say?

What much more can we say??

How much louder 

Do we need to scream in agony

For them to see us other than the enemy???

It’s her and me vs. it’s hurting me

A dime plus 99

Yeah my woman fine

Dashing down the 405

105 on a 65

She the Bonnie to my Clyde

Yeah the Bonnie to my Clyde

And with the money on this side 

She gon forever be mine

Mine forever cause we’re perfect for each other

Ain’t no retaliation between us

It’s her and me for life

Ain’t no endeavor 

Now my man he know he got it all

Showing me off to your kin

Yeah I know I’m a raw bitch and even prettier within

But it’s funny watching you sit here

Fronting like I didn’t catch you fucking with…

What’s her name?

This shit was sickening

You vowed to only love me yet the only time I feel it is when you’re— lonely

And the only time you need me is when these hoes neglect you.

You a phony.

Then you turn around and beg me to fuck you slowly?

Gosh you make me feel so unholy

It’s hurting me and you know that you’re wrong 

You’re hurting me and my hearts forcing me to play along

Just make sure you tell the sincere tale next time you put me in a song.

Stupid

High voltage

He said it’s dangerous fucking with me

I’m like angel dust baby , take the risk

And give me your all 

What are you scared you can’t break the fall?

Hmmm

I know they’re panicking

They see ME 

a glimpse of the waves

and try to cool them down

But baby this ain’t no regular sea

See, it’s the bad bitch in me 

That can’t take the restraining 

She luhh the danger (danger)

She luhh the risk (risky)

She luhh seeking the light in the abyss

Danger danger dangerous

It’s like the inability to free yourself from societal expectations 

Like wanting to unleash the aggression 

And say “fuck everything” because I’m tired of your chasin your good lovin’ (damn) 

Hm sip some holy water in the midst of our sinning 

Feel it regenerate our soul and wash away the bliss negativities brought from our fling-ing

Dangerous—

Like cocaine in the 80s

Bad for your health but you can’t get enough of this crazy

I AM angel dust baby , take the risk

And give me your all 

Don’t be afraid.

Just take the fall.

Falling Into the Abyss

 Falling apart is so easy when the trees get this beautiful

Powerful

Colorful 

I wanna stay concentrated

But the hue it’s begging me and I feel taunted

There’s no debating

The happiness

That I indulge in

Admiring the bold weariness 

Wearing down the leaves

Allow me the benefit to sit in your hue

Cause lately I’ve been feeling so blue

Not understanding when I’ll rise

Where I’ll rise

Yes I’m looking forward to the season change  

For now I wanna fall with you

Fall for you

Into the hibernation abyss

It’s probably gonna eat me to bits and pieces

But it’ll free me with a simple dismiss 

Of the thoughts that overflow my hyper active mind

From the need to carry everyone’s burden

That enhances the weights I’ve picked up over the years so bliss 

Yes allow me to sit in the abyss

I hate craving the taste of your sweet kiss

When you leave me to reminisce 

With nothing but the mirror that

That fails to bring out the beauty that bare eyes miss

I forget the acknowledging whispers of the wind I felt in your premise 

Ramification

 When  you see me what do you see?

A quiet little girl who’s visionary path shine  so bright or 

Am I the awkward little girl who doesn’t speak up for her pitiful self

Tell me what do you see?

Is it the bitch who orders you to move out of her way

The black girl with her fro out who wishes you have a nice day

A Sun flower who transplants into hopelessness when the clouds complement in gloom

An outcast formed to grant your wish with a little blow

As you chant in her tired ears give me a little mo 

Be honest with me I won’t cry

Do you see a mature woman who knows herself as she rambles about the illusion of time 

and how we are the prime Gods in existence

Our minds hold all the power but only through consistency and discipline shall we prosper 

A lone wolf who takes pleasure in the beauty of a full moon

There’s an unhealthy contentment in the loudness of peace that fills the vacancy

Do you see an easy target for you to strike 

Cause her Naivety is just the type that you fuel on

A little girl who won’t speak

A little girl who won’t speak

She’d never share the secrecies that gave you a home

Do you see empathy?

Do you see her

No you see me

Do you see weakness

Or liberation

From all the unwanted burdens 

That makes me unrecognizable

Hooked to the characters I’ve created for myself 

Unable to stop the pleasing

Unable to to gain full consciousness from this jeopardizing haze

How the tables have turned. (imitating Swerve by Brenda Miller)

 I’m-- sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t love you how you wanted me to. 

They say you won’t ever realize what you have until you lose it. Gone and done out of your life like you never existed. And it hurts to see that tragedy come into play but maybe that’s– maybe that’s what we needed if it’s up to me to say. Our love sure could’ve been of roses and daisies. I always pictured it as peaceful as the sounds of doves singing me awake on a sunny summer day. Something sweet… like fresh caribbean sugarcane at the dawn of July is what it was supposed to display. But quite honestly, I could see we didn’t stand a chance.. Our love wouldn’t bear the slightest blow of the wind and when it howls that’s a guaranteed disaster. 

 I’m sorry for being too pessimistic but I’ve been here before. I know how it all ends and I refuse to be the one digging myself out of the hole this time. 

“What do you mean?”  You looked… startled. Like kids do after they break something they’ve been told not to touch. Like the shock of the unexpected when it hits you on a good day. Like I did when I realized nobody really cares about my story. It’s amusing. 

“Don’t worry. It’s made me strong-- it’ll only help you heal. Bring you to the right path. Teach you some fucking sympathy. Teach you how not to play with others like he did me.”

Dream--

 Dream the dreams that seems to be out of reach

On the stars where there’s peace 

Dreams are like a mist 

Just floating around

Suffocating but never too far

Never obscene

Not out of reach.

Hallucinate 

Let your body elevate 

With the dreams levitating in the mist 

And meditate

They say optimists exaggerate the positive

They’re completely oblivious to the explosive 

Forces — that’s the narrative

But nah it’s the intuitive ability 

To facilitate clarity

And read the energy 

Of those who lack the ability

To understand themselves 

Dark Rose

 If you love me don’t make me wait

‘Cause the high end to this abyss is the fate

That you show in me

Love how you handle the 

Ugly sides hidden deep in fear

Of beating the beauty within

The loneliness in search of a copin’ 

Crucial for the time being’

Exquisite fears gets the mind thumping 

In need of the adrenaline 

Wondering if it’s all pretend

But I cannot imagine 

The absence that sanity brings 

To a creative mind

That thirsts for mayhem

A hue painted over the gem

Of a prickled stem

That the dark rose 

Sprouted from

-segment 20 of 1 (I bet)-

 

I bet you thought they were gonna succeed 

Emotional pain disappeared but would creep up again the next hour and here you were craving the cool air that hit after every slit. Mmmmm the temporary satisfaction of blood running down your skin. The excitement you felt after stocking up on brand new blades.... I bet you thought them voices were gonna succeed.

I bet you believed every word...

When they told you you were worthless, a nobody. When they told you no one was ever going to love you. They said you were cretinous and a fuck up. You didn’t know any better so you believed every single utter that your family put on your back. (Pause)

I bet you blamed yourself for letting them steal your innocence at such a young age—-

I bet you doubted your strength every time you were maltreated by those who were supposed to be your friends. You never stood up for yourself. I bet- I bet you thought you were going to stay untenable and that that Hollow feeling would follow you infinitely. 

I bet you thought that you deserved to be treated the way these insecure little boys treated you.

I bet you believed those whisperers who called you a bitch.

—But look at you flourishing. 

Segment 20 of the one life you got so continue nourishing— your mind, your body, you soul 

Go ahead, show them who’s doing the controlling  (pause)

And when these thoughts creep up on you, when those words make you blue- baby.... take em as a cue of strength cause can’t NOBODY walk in your shoe.

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got don’t spend it looking for purpose cause you exist and that is enough to be grateful for

Don’t spend it trying to prove to people you aren’t who they picture you as my love-

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got...

Live a little

Laugh a little

Smile a little 

Appreciate the sad days so you can make something out of the happy ones.

Let that shit go.

Segment 20 of the 1 life you got. You’re in control now.

Where do you think you’re going?

 To the moon 

Where we’re viewed

As gentle as a caterpillar in its cocoon 

Somewhere real; somewhere pure

A place that doesn’t fuck around with our insecure - rities 

It don’t invalidate our vulnerabi-lity 

And inaugurate us into a swarm of negativity 

All cause our blood carries the history of inequity 

Our backs reads the story of our ancestry

Our ankles shackled in this system’s penitentiary

But they expect us to shut up and claim freedom

While we watch our kingdom 

Corrupted by white wisdom

Filled with nothing but mediocre visions

Illustrated with demolition 

And their mission to invalidate the conditions 

That we undergo-

I mean it’s sickening— 

How they try to paint over the imprisonment 

That follows us like a silhouette.

But on the moon

That’s a guaranteed reset.

Digital Story (Under 400 words)

“Which college? FA-MOO?” 

“Did you just say ‘famoo?’ It’s FAMU” 

“I’m dead, she said famoo? That’s that Haitian accent coming in huh?”

“Y'all understood what I was saying though, Haitian accent or not.”

I  said all defensively as they cackled and repeated themselves to each other while completely disregarding my question.

It was at that moment I could discern the way that Americans had my mother feeling everytime she tried to vouch for herself in a public place.

My mother has always been an idol to me… and her intuition was like no other. Her ability to not take shit from anybody is something that I’ve always admired. And to me she always made sure to carry herself with respect and kindness in hope that her children would grow up and mirror her. 

So I couldn’t understand why giggles would crowd the room when she opened her mouth to explain that her car is fine and that it doesn’t need maintenance because she got it done last week, as the mechanic kept pushing to convince her that she was wrong. I couldn’t understand the disrespect that was thrown at her when she called to resolve her unemployment problems. And what I still can’t understand is why her doctor refused to provide her with the correct procedure when she was begging for her hips to get checked because she felt her joints rubbing together. 

But it was after that moment I noticed my vulnerability behind the slick comments that were made after my mispronunciation of FAMU. Sorrow and confusion intertwined leaving my chest feeling heavy because I realized that I watched my mother fight being a Woman, a migrant, and Black all alone with three kids in a new country that is vouching against her success and health. And it made me wonder, would she be a target to the mechanics at the auto repair shop if she wasn't a woman? Would she be disrespected by mechanics, government agencies, and doctors  if her Haitian accent wasn’t so visible? And would she be battling life threatening health issues right now if her Blackness wasn’t a queue for death? 

See.. What I need you to understand is I’m not telling these stories in hope of sympathy but more so that you can check yourself, check your environment because you’re going to find yourself more privileged than the next. Use it wisely.

 

Rock With Me. Not Against Me.

  The night I allowed myself to feel vulnerable around my new college friends is the night that left me feeling like an outcast, a weirdo.

It was another Saturday night when we were celebrating in hope of getting my mind off my boyfriend breaking up with me. It was me and three girls getting ready to head over to The Big E, a temporary amusement park where people dress up– and get to enjoy taking pictures and crazy rides.

It had been a while since I'd felt myself and was ready to step into my confidence and dress in what made me feel best because I realized that I should be able to rock my all black outfit, with all 10 of my silver earrings in, and my beautifully rounded gauges to enhance my personality. Maybe expose the type of girl that I felt confident being. I also realized that differed me from them a little bit but it still disturbed me when in the middle of my snapchat moment I was blatantly asked

 “Are you emo?” by one of my girlfriends. 

“No–”

I answered with my cheeks all hot, elevating the sweat on my palms as nervousness filled my blood. I wasn’t embarrassed because of the question but more so the judgmental tone and questioning look that accompanied it.

The following week, while working at the school’s MarketPlace, this boy who was supposed to be a friend of mine walked in and questioned me on my layered silver chains as he then pointed to gauges and questioned

“You’re Black. Why are your ears open? That’s that White people shit man.”

“Because I like it.”

I giggled to hide the frustration in my voice. I looked down in reflection of the heaviness on my chest and counted to three in an attempt to calm my breathing. It wasn’t the first time that I’ve dealt with criticism from the Black community on my appearance, my interests, and preferences; yet I still struggled to tell him not to label me.

The toxicity within referring to Black people [who spoke a certain way, with a certain dialect and tone; who listens to White dominated genres of music; rock their clothes a certain way; and their hair in a different fashion; carry themselves in ways that makes them comfortable] as an “oreo” weighed a lot on us who were viewed as different by our Black classmates, growing up. It was a term normalized throughout middle school in indication of Black people being White on the inside; and was blatantly projectected onto Black students who were labeled as “nerds,” spoke “proper English,” and for those of us who were Emo; Gothic; and Alternative (yes. Us Black middle schoolers dressed in all black outfits with heavy eyeliner that enhanced the fatigue in our eyes; hair straightened and banged up– hiding the right eye from society. Us who walked round all closed up and antisocial with the knee high black and white converse as we bumped Twenty One Pilots at seven in the morning) definitely were not offered a seat at the table with the other “certified Black kids.”

Going into Westfield State University, I’d always hoped to find my group of people regardless of the campus being so small and predominantly White. I’ve connected with some pretty dope Black people but oftentimes, it startles me when they get comfortable asking me passive aggressive questions such as “are you emo?” “you a rockstar?” “you lowkey White inside aren’t you?” all while laughing it off at the expense of my comfort. “Turn that White people shit off!” they try to scream over the sound of my favorite heavy metal band blasting through MY speaker. It startled me because I thought that respect and acceptance was guaranteed in adult life. Do they know that rock and roll originated from us Black folks? Do they know that we influenced this White dominated emo, gothic, and alternative culture? 

Maybe if I were to replace my gauges with hoops I’d be less outcasted– less classified, and more accepted by my own people. Racism in America is no doubt very sensible; and it causes feelings of discomfort when my Black peers view me no different than White Folks simply because of my silver chains and platform boots. And it makes me wonder why we allow White people to be but question our own for their slight dissimilarities.